Bestseller
by River Laren
Summary: Because of money problems, the Akatsuki are entering a writing contest designed to find the next bestseller. The characters must be based in reality, and the choices of Itachi and Konan as the protagonists of the romance will have far reaching consequences no one foresaw. CRACK.
1. Chapter 1

Kakuzu sat in the floor of the Akatsuki head-quarters living room trying to keep from eating the end of his pencil. Lead was getting outrageous these days. But so was everything else, which was part of the reason he was sitting here trying to think of a good story.

Kakuzu was anything but a writer. Right now, he was just desperate. The Akatsuki were officially broke. Thanks to those stupid idiots who bought a thousand candles and lollipops at the same time. No, of course he wasn't bitter. They had just spent all his precious money. Hidan had even stooped so low as to dig up his secret stash. Of course Kakuzu had chopped him up into little bitty pieces and refused to sew him back together for a week. He'd had to be more creative in his punishment for Tobi. But selling all the remaining lollipops for food had eased the pain some.

As an apology, Hidan had mentioned a story contest some company in Konoha was holding. The author who could write the next bestseller would receive three thousand yen from the publisher in addition to the royalties. So, because people kept asking for money, (seriously, could they not understand hobos had more money than they did?) and Pein insisted they needed to lay low for awhile; he was left with no option but to enter this stupid contest.

How hard could it be? All he had to do was put a bunch of words on paper. It would be easy money; much better than those bounty missions. Now, Kakuzu just had to find those words.

This proved to be harder than he had thought. They didn't just fly into his head like they were supposed too. He couldn't even think of a topic. He frowned at the paper, giving it a 'fill up with a best-selling story or else' look.

"What are you doing, un?" Deidara walked in, destroying any form of concentration his fellow criminal had had.

"None of your business," Kakuzu snapped.

"Writing a letter to your woman, un?" the annoying man asked leaning over to see what was on the page. "Or perhaps trying to get one?"

"Of course not. Go away."

"Kakuzu-sepai has a woman?" Both of them glared up at the squealing voice. "Tobi is a good boy! Do not glare at Tobi! TOBI IS A GOO-" A bomb cut off the rest of the yelling.

"DEIDARA YOU IDIOT! THAT WAS MY PUPPETS!" Sasori stormed through the door.

"TOBI IS A GOOD BOY!"

"If you don't shut up, you'll be a dead boy," Kakuzu threatened. This just made Tobi scream louder as Deidara and Sasori argued and fought.

"EVERYONE SHUT UP!" the treasurer of the most feared criminal organization yelled. In an instant the room was silent. It was an old joke that when the person who held the purse strings wasn't happy, no one was. Most of the members of the Akatsuki had learned the hard way. "Good. Now, HIDAN GET TOBI OUT OF HERE SO I CAN CONCENTRATE!"

Hidan came from their room muttering a few repulsive phrases, but none the less dragged the lollipop eating ninja outside.

"What are you writing, un?" Deidara persisted.

"None of your business."

Of course curiosity was the blonde man's fatal flaw, so he jumped forward and grabbed the flyer advertising the contest before Kakuzu realized what he was after. "You're writing a romantic story, un?" He exclaimed loud enough so the whole base could hear him. "Can I hear it?" Deidara asked as his fellow criminal leapt up to throttle him.

"Of course not!" But it was too late; he had already grabbed the page also.

"You need help, un?" the artist asked raising an eyebrow.

Just as 'no' was on the tip of his tongue, he realized that it might be better to let them write it (providing it was good enough) and enter it in the contest in his name. So he settled for, "What do you mean?"

Sasori shrugged. "He means he'll help you write it. He considers writing an art. If it's a romance then you should write about a tall, dark, and mysterious hero. They are the most popular."

Kisame, who had just entered from the kitchen, paused in shock. "You mean like Itachi-san?"

Sasori smirked. "He'd be perfect."

"Yeah, especially since it must be based on people who actually lived, un," Deidara piped up.

Kisame turned green. "You can't use Itachi-san."

Kakuzu looked up at him. "Why not?"

"He wouldn't like it. If you make him mad you will deeply regret it." The look in his eyes was sincere, but the rest of them could not comprehend that fact. They had never seen the Uchiha mad before, and the very picture of it seemed absurd.

"What he doesn't know won't hurt him," Deidara shrugged. Kisame looked apprehensive, but shrugged also.

"You know him the best, you could help us out," Sasori offered.

Kisame shook his head. "I might stay around though, this should be amusing."

Kakuzu was growing impatient. The words wouldn't write themselves; he had already tried that. "Well, get on with it," he ordered.

"We'll need a girl for him to fall for, un," the annoying blonde pointed out.

"If it has to be based on real a person that leaves…" Kisame started, already in on this despite his protests.

"_Konan,"_ they said in unison looking at each other. That was just too weird. Itachi and Konan? In love? Absolutely not. Never in a million years. Not in this lifetime, ect.

"This should be good," Sasori mused, sitting down to watch the show.

"Hey! What if there was a love-triangle? Like with Pein-sama?" Deidara asked suddenly.

"Sometimes you make me wonder," Sasori muttered. "How do you know so much about romances anyway?"

The artist glared back. "I had a sister."

"Sure…"

"I did! Her name is-" he cut off quickly. "Well I can't tell you! But I did!" Sasori laughed but let the subject drop.

"Okay…" Kisame said slowly, "First or third person point of view?"

"Third," they all agreed.

"It would be too weird to right Itachi from first person, on top of everything else," Deidara said, a little recovered from Sasori's jibes.

"Now what should the first sentence be?" Kakuzu asked, voicing the frustration that had been bothering him all morning.

Deidara sighed. "Do I have to do _everything_?" He grabbed the paper away from Kazuzu and started writing.

When he was done the paper read this: _It was a sunny fall day when Uchiha Itachi walked over the hill with his partner, Kisame. It had been a hard mission and had taken six weeks to complete. The worst part was the miserable conditions they had been forced to stay in. He paused at the peak to survey the base below him. He was looking for _her. _Kisame noticed this and quietly walked off by himself. There was a flash of blue and suddenly she was there, hugging him tightly. He smiled, breathing in her scent and enjoying her warmth. She was soft. So soft. He had always liked that about her. _

"_You're back," she mumbled into his chest. _

_He smirked down at her. "Of course."_

"_D-did you miss me?" she asked quietly. He knew she was nervous about the answer. Everything rode on his next sentence. _

"_I did." _

_She hugged him tighter, causing him to grunt when she squeezed his only injury. "You're hurt," she cried, instantly pulling back. There was concern in her light eyes. _

"_It is irrelevant," he replied coolly. _

_She smiled. "You won't even let me see, so I won't ask you." _

"_Hn."_

"_So now you're going to tell me hello, right?" _

_He bent down and kissed her warmly-_

"Yuck! That is not right on so many levels!" Kisame was shuddering.

"Really, what was so bad about it? I thought I kept him in character very well," Deidara defended.

"Itachi-san would never-"

"Would never what?" The very Uchiha Itachi they were discussing stood in the doorway.

"-would never create such an abomination. Deidara you should be ashamed," Kisame finished. Itachi just raised an eyebrow and walked away.

"Nice save," Kakuzu told the shark-man. He turned to the team beside him. "Finish it up. The contest ends in a week."

"A week! A whole book in a week!" The artist cried. "Not even I- not even my sister could do that!"

"Well to bad. If you want any food or any more of that stupid clay within the next three months, you will find a way to write a book in a week. When you're done I will examine the final product and send it off." With that he got up and walked off to his room. Being responsible for the financial affairs of the most powerful criminal organization was exhausting.

**A/N: So I hope you like it. I really don't know where this came from, but there it is. I was thinking about continuing it, but that depends on the amount of feedback I get. So review and tell me what you think okay? And if I did continue, what you would like to happen? Suggestions are welcome. Flames roast my s'mores. :) **


	2. Chapter 2

Deidara stared blankly at the paper in front of him. This writing business was getting old now. Especially when he couldn't think of what should come next.

Yeah he knew that Itachi should break off the kiss and go report to Pein, but that didn't feel like it flowed right. Plus he didn't think it would be good to reveal too much information about the Akatsuki. _And of course it has to be based on real life,_ the artist thought bitterly.

He had been 'working' on this for the past _three_ hours. Enough time for Sasori to finish his puppet. Enough time for Kisame to individually sharpen all one thousand or so points of his sword. Enough time for Zetsu to wake up. Enough time for Tobi to find his way back from that forest Hidan had 'lost' him in, and enough time for Hidan and Kakuzu to get in a screaming match about a necessary Jashin purchase.

Deidara ignored the yelling and maledictions that were so strong it caused the plants Zetsu had outside to wilt. Unfortunately this was part of life in the Akatsuki. Not that he was complaining. Itachi had been right, life here was better than it had been on the streets.

Which lead him back around to his current problem: trying to write Itachi into a halfway believable story. Deidara acknowledged that he knew almost nothing about the Uchiha. Added to that was the fact he was _always_ right about _everything_. The blonde had watched him give advice to Zestu about growing tomatoes! He couldn't write about somebody like that. Characters were supposed to have flaws, fears, doubts, and _problems_!

Uchiha Itachi had none that were known by anyone, not even Kisame. Well, except for the fact he had murdered his entire family, but it had crossed Deidara's mind a couple times too, so he had no room to talk.

There was only one thing that could be done to remedy this unfortunate situation: follow Itachi around until he discovered a weakness.

Deidara wasn't stupid. He knew better than to anger someone with the sharingan in such an obvious way. He would have to come up with a master plan for this to work and not get killed.

And that was how he found himself sitting under a desk in the library monitoring the progress of his newest artitstic creation. Why was he under the desk? Because if Kakuzu caught him doing anything but writing for the next week they would find little pieces of his body buried in six different countries, that's why.

His artistic creation was having much better luck, thankfully. The little clay spider had followed Itachi around without being detected for about an hour now. _Which is some kind of record, _Deidara thought smugly.

The jutsu linking the two of them together was working out rather well also. It wasn't quite as informative as he would have preferred, but it effectively tracked all of the Uchiha's movements.

Speaking of which, it was moving closer and…THEY WERE COMING IN!

The scent of almonds invaded Deidara's senses and he realized _she_ was coming in with him! Excitement fled through his veins driven by the small fear of being discovered. Perhaps his story wasn't as wild as the others had thought after all. He smirked.

"Pein wanted to discuss this with you himself, but something came up," Konan stated quietly. Itachi shut the door behind them. "Planning the raid on Wave has turned out to be harder than we thought."

There was a grunt in response. Deidara wished he could see them. But perhaps that was a good thing. He held his chakra in a tight grip, because if he let it slip he would lose his life.

"Have you discovered where the shipments are coming from?" she asked.

"Yes."

"Good. Pein will have a special team suited for the task chosen by tomorrow. You might want to prepare in case you are chosen."

"Aa."

Deidara's spider finally fit itself under the door and crawled slowly over toward Itachi. Well, tried too. Konan was in the way. So it did the obvious thing; it crawled over her.

There was a sharp feminine scream. "GET IT OFF! GET IT OFF!"

"Calm down," Itachi ordered.

Deidara stuck his head around the desk like a guilty child. The sight he saw was hilarious. Konan was clutching her cloak to her, jumping up and down like a pogo stick. The spider was on her shoulder and she just stared at it, yelling like a banshee.

Itachi managed to brush it off, and the woman leaped to the ceiling yelling, "KILL IT! KILL IT!" When Itachi made no move to do so, she walked over and grabbed the heaviest book she could lay her hands on. The artist watched in horror as it descended toward his masterpiece.

With shinobi quickness he had dived under the book and retrieved his spider. Itachi had grabbed both the book and Konan. _Aww, how sweet, _he thought. Then he apologized and fled the room quickly.

He knew he would face punishment for this later. Maybe he could talk Kakuzu into getting him off easy, since he _was_ doing research for the book.

Deidara walked around the hideout three times before daring to go back inside.

He had finally decided he would have to do the unthinkable. He would have to ask his sister for _help._ Not only was it humiliating, it was forbidden. Pein allowed no contact with outsiders to prevent espionage. Plus he was sure his father had erased her memory, which would be a hassle, but he had no other choice.

He sat down at the desk and preformed the accursed hand seals.

He had designed it so that he would enter her subconscious. He loved her enough not to put her through what realizing he was alive would mean. It also had a purely selfish nature. She would dream out the story plot and he wouldn't have to deal with it.

Deidara grabbed a pen and started writing.

**A/N: Sorry, it's a little short, but at least it's an update, right? I hope the next one will be longer. Who do you think his sister is? :) Reviews please!**


	3. Chapter 3

Sasori walked back to his room silently. He had brought a present from Konan to give to Deidara for her. This whole incident had made his whole day, especially since he had run out of hinge joints for his art. The funny part was Konan had been with Itachi. Alone. Not that it meant anything of course, it was just ironic.

Sasori fully expected his roommate to be diligently working on that story of Kakuzu's, or pulling out his hair trying too, but the room was completely empty. He shrugged it off. The brat would find his 'present' soon enough.

He leaned over to put it on the desk when the story notes caught his eye; or, more specifically, the words "Pink unicorn" which had been furiously scratched out. Sasori blinked. He had always known the kid wasn't all there, but this was…way worse than he had thought.

He laughed it off and left the room. Kakuzu was crazy if he thought _that _was going to win any contest for a best selling story. There was no way. He couldn't help but snicker at their faces when Deidara read his "Pink unicorn" story for everyone. (Exculding Itachi, Konan, and Pein of course.) Kakuzu was going to kill him.

Sasori frowned. Sure the kid was annoying _all the time_, but he really had thought up a good plot. With some help (okay, lots of it,) he might even have a fair story.

No, it was better this way. Better for him to find out what a failure he was at writing now than later. But this was his partner, in some ways, his best friend. He didn't deserve Kakuzu's wrath. And the Akatsuki really needed the money….

Sasori sighed. He was going to do it. He was going to do the 'right thing'. You would think in a group of most wanted criminals you wouldn't have to put up with stupid stuff like guilt. Unfortunately, they all had discovered that was simply not true. Well, saying they _all_ had made him feel better.

He turned around and walked back into the room, sat down at the desk, and started editing the brat's story.

Or, would have, if it hadn't been for Konan's little present.

Which suddenly expanded and turned in to a giant, mutant, terrible, horrifying- butterfly. Seriously, this thing was killer, and butterflies are hideous up close anyways.

Sasori didn't have time to think. The thing bit him...and then _stuff_ started to happen. "Stuff" is a very vague term, but nothing would describe what was happening to him. Like his voice changing so it was more high-pitched, or his hair growing longer, or just turning into a girl in general.

The monster shoved him (or her?) out of the way and charged past.

_It had better be headed for that idiot who started this! The brat doesn't deserve my help, _Sasori thought vehemently.

He frowned. When would this wear off? Or would it? _It had better!_ Surely Konan could reverse this, but he really didn't want to go asking her for the antidote. Still, there was no way he was letting anyone see him like this. And Deidara was going to come back sooner or later, if that thing was after him he would have to go to Konan for the antidote anyway...

Sasori sighed and glanced one last time at the paper containing the 'story'. As long as he was trapped here he might as well make the most of it. He read over it quickly.

"_Uchiha Itachi stood at the gates of Konoha. The new mission he had been assigned- Sasuke-kun! I wish he'd look at me…" _Okay, that was just wrong. Where did that even _come_ from? _"…Most powerful shinobi reduced to this. It was a simple escort mission, a new bride for the Raikage. Looks like a monkey anyway. He's so strong! She's probably just another stuck up airhead. Like that Forhead. I can't stand her. And she's so ugly. The trip didn't take long, he was fast after all. Pink unicorns like to dance."_

Sasori stared. This was awful. How could Deidara even think like this? It was just _wrong_. _Very wrong. _

But he set to work fixing it anyway; for some unknown reason. He realized that they couldn't actually use the Akatsuki organization in the story like Deidara had originally intended, because that would defeat the whole "anonymous" deal. Plus, it would give potential enemies information on how they operated. Which wouldn't be good.

So Sasori went with the "idea" in the crazy notes. When he was done decoding the pages, the new story read something like this:

_Uchiha Itachi waited in the early morning shadows by the huge gate of Konoha. He was "invisible" on purpose. It was degrading enough to escort the Raikage's new bride across the world without being adored by the "princess" before the mission even started. He knew what she would have to be to agree to anything like this. She would be the airhead dreaming of a Prince Charming on the other side. And when she got there, she would be extremely disappointed. He scoffed. The point was: surely a group of chunin would be able to handle that, so why was an ANBU required? _

_The kid was late, not surprising though. He sighed. The Hokage should have specified the importance of his time. He closed his eyes and leaned his head back against the wall in an effort to calm himself down. _

"_We should leave." _

_Itachi started in surprise. The girl in front of him was not what he had expected. Bright blue hair shone above her pale face that was _not _covered with make-up. She had intelligent eyes, and a poised demeanor. And although she was dressed like a doll, because of her destination he assumed, he could tell by her stance and the calluses on her hands that she was a kunochi. _

_Most of all, she was beautiful- _

At that moment there was female scream in the hallway and a blonde brat dove through the door. Sasori couldn't help but snicker. Sure Deidara had always looked girly, but _this _was insane.

When the blonde locked eyes on him, there was another scream.

He frowned. "Don't be so loud, brat."

"But you-"

"This is your fault and if you say anything about it, I will personally make sure your death is painful and none of your "art" survives. Right now, I am going out of my way to make sure Kakuzu doesn't kill you for this" Sasori jabbed a finger at the discarded paper on the floor "atrocity _you_ call a story!" He took a breath. "But I haven't got a good reason as to why yet, so you might want to consider that before you make me change my mind."

The brat just blinked. "You're a girl!"

"Yes, because YOU ticked Konan off. Is that clear?" Deidara nodded in reply to his fierce expression.

There was an awkward silence in which they were both _very_ aware of their situation.

"I think that in the story Konan should be more…you know, like she is in real life, more aggressive-"

At that awful moment the door opened, and Kisame stood there in shock. And there was nothing anyone could say, except-

"Awkward Turtle!"

It was decided. Sasori was going to kill this idiot.

**A/N: I have NO idea where that came from. Just review, the next one will be saner, I promise! Please review? **


	4. Chapter 4

**I'm back my victims- uh, I mean lovely readers! **

Kisame's week had been the best week of his life so far. Seeing the horror on Deidara and Sasori's faces while trapped in Itachi's genjutsu was…entertaining, to say the least; the best demonstration of Karma in the world if you wanted to be more descriptive.

After that, they had finished the story- which was actually quite good, surprisingly.

Not that Kisame would ever admit that to anyone, but there was something oddly entertaining about the fact that Itachi was nothing like this, but if he was…. Kisame couldn't really explain the factor that made the story so horribly funny. Maybe it was that he could totally see it happening. Like a side of himself Itachi was hiding from the world.

The Mist-nin had even taken the scroll to "proof read" the story had been so good. Samehada was enjoying it as well. The only problem was hiding it from Itachi. He was still tweaking his technique of shoving it under the sword without the Uchiha asking questions he really couldn't answer.

He had been looking forward to relaxing after dinner and reading the final product. He eased the scroll out from underneath Samehada and began to read aloud to his sword.

_Bombs exploded around the couple. "Some way to crash my wedding, Uchiha," Konan said cryptically._

"_You never wanted to marry him in the first place," Itachi hissed in her ear. He expertly zigzagged out of the path of kunai and shuriken. _

"_Oh I didn't?" she asked as he swung her deftly to his other side and blocked someone's blade, glaring them into submission with his bloodline trait. _

"_No, you did not. You were simply too busy checking me out during the negotiations to realize it," he smirked. _

_Konan laughed. "I see." She braced herself against him as they vaulted out a glass window. "Is this your way of saying I lo-"_

Kisame heard footsteps coming down the hall. He shoved the manuscript in Samehada's wrappings and began sharpening his sword religiously.

"What are you doing?" Itachi asked opening the shoji.

"Sharpening Samehada," Kisame lied smoothly, so very glad he was well versed in the art of deception.

Itachi, being Itachi, unfortunately didn't buy it. "You have supposedly been sharpening your sword for five hours."

"He's being particularly picky today," Kisame supplied, and to his great relief his sword hummed in agreement.

The Uchiha was still frowning, but he didn't push it. "Pein has given us a mission. We are to leave in the morning."

"Another? Where are we going now?" The shark man whined. He really wanted to finish that story. It was like he was addicted to it or something. Surely a story shouldn't have that much hold over an S-rank criminal, especially one who had killed all his teammates before joining the most elite criminal group. But the truth was that he only put the manuscript down when Itachi showed up to make him eat, or demand he turn out the light or drag him to whatever duties Pein had for the two of them. Quite frankly it was ridiculous. So was his fear of the future when he _did _finish the story. How could he live without it? Why couldn't it simply go on indefinitely?

"Konoha," Itachi stated simply, answering the question the Mist nin had already forgotten. If Kisame hadn't known better, he wouldn't have thought this was a big deal for the seventeen year old. But he did know better, he knew this was a huge deal for his partner. "Konoha is weakened by the loss of their Hokage and the ruin inflicted by Orchimaru. This is the best time to capture the nine tails beast." Somehow, though, Kisame got the feeling there was something personal about this. He frowned.

"Ah. Then we will have to be ready to go by morning, won't we, Samehada?" The sword voiced Kisame's silent grumblings.

He waited two minutes after he heard Itachi's footsteps reach the other end of the hall before he dug the papers out of the wrappings and put his sword back down on them. Not only was he addicted to this story to an unhealthy extent, but it was also making him reckless…in fact it would probably be the death of him. Kisame sighed and began reading again.

"_Is this your way of saying I love you?" Konan asked even as her stomach lurched at their abrupt descent. _

_Itachi didn't answer verbally. He did however pull her upright and wrap her arms-"_

Samehada snapped at him that he read it wrong.

"That's what it said. Blame Deidera for the discrepancy, not me," he told his sword. Samehada grumbled. "Yeah, of course I'll mark it," he snapped. "Can I continue now?"

The sword gave the affirmative.

"_He did however pull her upright and wrap _his_ arms around her small waist, pressing his lips against hers. In that moment they were weightless in midair, explosive tags whizzed by them and detonated; possibly a hundred eyes were watching them. Yet they were oblivious to all of it. Konan decided that she never wanted Itachi to stop kissing her. In fact, she whimpered when he did. _

_The Uchiha laughed deep in his chest. "Marry me," he demanded. Before she could say yes, he had again switched her position. Itachi landed nimbly on the ground carrying her bridal style and they sped through the rain like wraiths. _

_"Yes," she breathed into his perfect ear. _

_He spared a moment to kiss her thoroughly. _

_Konan had no idea what they were going to do next. They were now criminals. Itachi had just disobeyed an order and killed three shinobi, and despite its being self defense, she doubted anyone would much care. She had been sent there undercover to assonate the old Kazkage trying to marry her, so she'd just botched her mission too; she also had no intention to go back to Sound. Her existence hadn't been life before Itachi; there was no way she was going back to that. No way on earth she was leaving him. _

_They were homeless, rouge, and without a cent to their name. She doubted that Itachi had ever done anything so unplanned, not to mention so against the rules. She laughed. Somehow that was really romantic. _

_He looked down at her and raised an eyebrow. _

_"Oh, I was just looking forward to meeting your mother," she grinned. _

_"We'll go to the Akatsuki," he whispered in her ear. She shivered delightfully. "They want me. You'll be safe. And with me."_

_"But don't you have to pass their test or something?" she asked puzzled. _

_"Don't worry about it. I will take care of it." _

_She didn't. Konan spent the evening at the hidden base, bathing and daydreaming about her wonderful hero. When she was summoned to breakfast, Itachi was already back from wherever they had sent him. He was physically well, like she knew he would be. He was exhausted, she saw. He was also distant. Konan didn't worry though. Itachi was infallible. _

_She found the newspaper when she was walking through the village near their base. The little town was a buzzing like a hive of bees when danger is near, and Konan was curious to find out what had happened; she stopped and demanded the story from an urchin. The little boy hadn't said anything, merely handed her a scrap of paper. Konan found out about the Uchiha massacre from a scrap of dirty newsprint. By sheer force of will she kept it together until she was safely back in her room; she locked herself in and sobbed her heart out. So that had been the test. Itachi had known it that rainy afternoon when they were breaking out of her wedding. He had already known that the Akatsuki required the murder of his entire family by his own hand before they would offer their protection. And he had done it anyway. For her. _

_From that day forward their relationship changed. It was over in a way. Konan never left, but the happy-go-lucky feeling that had made their love so wonderful was irremediably gone. _

_Konan made sure that he never needed to do anything for her again. _

_And when Itachi told her about the brother he hadn't been able to kill, Konan vowed to protect him with her life. He had broken himself to protect her, to be able to marry her; she willingly demolished herself to have any spare parts he needed to put himself back together. She held him through the tears, and cried silently as he screamed through the nightmares. _

Kisame was disturbed. This stupid story better have a happy ending or he was going to torture those stupid "artists"; Samehada offered his willing assistance. Still, neither of them could put the story down; they were too emotionally invested. Kisame was sure someone somewhere found that ironic.

_When Itachi told her he had to let Sasuke kill him, Konan stayed silent. The real Itachi had died with his family. She held him tighter that night than she ever had before. He didn't know it, but she carried his child. At least it would give her something to hold on to, if it didn't give him a reason to live. She would tell him in the morning. Her tears drenched them both, but she never said a word. The next morning Itachi abruptly left. When Kisame, his partner, followed her out of the house they were staying in, she knew it was time. Konan ran after him, but the larger man behind her caught her before she took ten steps. Then she screamed, and ranted, and yelled, and broke in his arms- the arms of a man she didn't love, a man who was keeping her from saving her love. _

By this point, Kisame hated his fictional self. "Let her go, you moron," he growled. "She has to freaking save Itachi here!"

Said Uchiha shoved his head in the door. "Who has to save Itachi?"

Kisame dropped the scroll like it was on fire. There was no way he could lie his way out of this, so he just awkwardly stood there and waited for the kid to pick up the scroll and discover everything. Then Itachi would kill him, and he'd never know what happened! Life was just so unfair.

Konan lazily leaned against the doorframe. "Is he having a gender crisis?" She asked the Uchiha. "I told Pein Deidara wasn't a good influence on the team."

Itachi actually snorted.

While Kisame was thrilled his new favorite couple was bonding, that was just too far. He glared at the woman. "No, I was just telling Samehada to go easy on you during the duel he wants to have since Itachi's gonna need your help when his turn comes."

The Uchiha frown was almost as terrifying as the sharingan. Almost.

Konan snorted. "Nice cover up. Go back to talking to your sword about yourself in third person female. Everyone here is a freak besides me; you're merely fitting in."

"Are you kidding? You're not normal, you're a masochist," Kisame mumbled. It suddenly got very quiet, and he realized he'd been just loud enough for the woman to hear him. Now he was going to doubly die. He wondered if they'd be humane enough to let him finish the stupid story? Probably not, being professional S-rank criminals desiring world domination and all.

But she merely hissed "Watch your tongue," with enough malice to cause him to solemnly nod and left.

Itachi left too. Apparently, there are some things not even Uchihas want to get involved in, for fear they're in over their heads.

Kisame was left wondering if their was actually hope for the new ship. He even momentarily considered helping it along a bit (to make up for his awful treatment of Konan and Itachi's romance in the story) until he came back to reality enough to know the consequences far outweighed any gain he might receive. So he went back to reading.

_Kisame let her go when it was over. She mounted the smoking wreckage of the battle to see what she knew she'd see: Itachi's corpse. Beside him lay the body of his brother, but Konan knew Itachi would never have let him die in this fight. She ran to him, Itachi would always be alive to her. He had been too full of life in the beginning to ever be without it now. She sobbed on his chest incoherently for hours as the tall shark man watched over her and Itachi motionlessly. Konan sat up and passed a hand over her lover's beautiful face. Her tears splashed against his cheeks and the dirt and ash fled before them. "He always was your guardian angel, wasn't he?" she asked softly watching the man. She knew he had loved Itachi too. You didn't know Itachi and not love him. _

Kisame felt rectified by this, and smirked.

_"I should have told you last night, but I carry your child," she told Itachi softly, holding his cold hand. "I will take him and Sasuke back to Konoha. I shall raise our child peacefully, on _my _terms, and your brother will inherit and restore the clan- just like you wanted." She cried softly. "I will have you buried next to your family, and apologize to them properly. I will go on for you, my love. And one day, I will be dead with you; so they can never really take you away from me. Not really." _

_Rain started to pour, just like it had eight years ago. _

_Konan closed her eyes and arms seemed to hold her impossibly close, just like they had eight years ago. _

_"I love you," she whispered. _

_It was the end. It was the beginning. The rain fell around her, washing the world anew. _

Kisame was twitching. That was- THAT WAS THE END?! It couldn't be. He looked frantically for another scroll and found none. Oh, those idiots were going to die, and then they were going to write a better ending than the stupidity he had here. They better believe it. Samehada quite agreed, though the sword did enjoy the chakra he devoured in the ensuing fight Kisame had with the morons.

The next morning, Kisame stood beside Itachi as they received their final mission briefing. Kakuzu was waiting for him afterwards, and slipped the scroll into his hand. "Take this to the publishing company, their address is listed on a scrap of paper in the scroll. Don't lose it. Paper is expensive. Plus, the deadline for the contest is only three days from now. Make sure they have it before then. Also, make it very clear how superior our story is," Kakuzu said in a tone that made his wishes very clear. Well, at least some traits of the criminal remained in this plot. Kisame could certainly take care of threatening the publisher into choosing the Akatsuki story. The only hard part would be slipping away from Itachi.

Only one question remained in his mind- other than how to escape the Uchiha, which was something Kakuzu couldn't help with- "Did they change the ending?"

Kakuzu shook his head. "I read the story and thought it was poetically tragic. I've heard that people like that. Besides, after I finished it, there wasn't time to change the ending."

Kisame glared.

But before he could go postal and refuse to deliver such a stupid story, Itachi was calling him to start their mission. "Make sure Deidara and Sasori are prepared to die when I return," he grumbled under his breath to Kakuzu as he turned toward his partner. Kakuzu snickered.

The dynamic duo traveled until several hours passed dark. Konoha was several days away from the hideout the group was currently using, meaning that Kisame had two nights of sleep ahead of him to prepare for the midnight trek into Konoha and back he had planned for the third night; it was the only thing he could think of to drop off the manuscript without raising Itachi's suspicions. He should make the best of the few hours he had while he had them, he mused as Itachi took the first watch and Kisame prepared for sleep.

Annoyingly, even now that he'd finished the story, bits and pieces and even the general feeling of the story haunted him.

Horror of Horrors, Kisame found himself planning Itachi's life with Konan if he had lived in the story. He almost growled, before he realized that would give him away. He began every meditation method he knew of to clear his mind, but once the thought was there it was there to stay. So Kisame gave into his baser instincts and began mentally decorating his teammate's fictional nursery. He wondered if the fictional unborn child was a boy or a girl. Despite his best efforts and "intimate" knowledge of the Uchiha as his shinobi partner, he just could not come up with a feasible "future" for the couple. He had no idea how Itachi would respond if Konan was secretly his wife and became pregnant.

He tossed.

He turned.

And still he couldn't get to sleep. He realized he was going through withdraws like any other addict now that the story was over. The simplest answer: get more. But there was no more. No place on this earth he could go to get more of Itachi and Konan- except Deidara and Sasori, and he refused to give them the satisfaction.

Kisame rolled over for the gazillionth time and sighed, heavily.

"What's the problem?" Itachi asked from the shadows, not bothering to turn his head and lose his night vision due to the dying embers of their fire.

"No problem," Kisame mumbled as he raised up and adjusted the cloak serving as his pillow- again.

"Hn," Itachi grunted in that "I know you have a problem, you know you have a problem; so just spill it so you can go to sleep and stop bothering me with your restlessness" way. _Know it all Uchiha._

But now that said man had intervened, there would be no moving past this until enough was out in the open to appease the Uchiha. Kisame searched for the right way to answer the questions that wouldn't let him sleep while at the same time explain to Itachi- without spilling the whole story about the novel and the contest. The only thing that came out of Kisame's mouth was, "If you impregnated Konan, what would you do?"

Itachi whipped his head around and stared wide-eyed at the Mist-nin. It was the most shocked Kisame had ever seen his normally stoic partner. "Did-" Itachi swallowed thickly, "Did you-"

"NO!" Kisame jumped up and waved his arms in a gesture that was meant to obliterate that image from his head. It didn't work. He would be having nightmares for the next six months at least. "No, just that Deidara mentioned something about her and I was wondering if that happened to you, what would you do?"

Itachi didn't completely buy it, but was still too freaked out to push the issue. Of course, it was unlikely he would have anyway. "I- I don't know. Take her away from this I guess. I wouldn't want to raise my family in a criminal organization. I guess I'd try to start over as a civilian or something."

"Do you- do you ever think about having kids? Wish you could settle down and have a normal life?" Kisame pressed, surprised and encouraged by Itachi's honesty.

"Yes."

"Then why don't you?"

His partner turned his head away to stare back into the night. Kisame continued to wait for Itachi's reply, but it never came. Just when he had given up on ever getting one, he heard Itachi say thickly in a broken voice, "I burned that bridge four years ago."

He wondered if he was close enough or it wasn't so dark he would see tears on the kid's face. Kisame had learned a couple years ago when he'd realized Itachi was right: murdering your comrades or your family caught up with you sooner or later. He wondered if it had caught up with Itachi yet.

It was only moments like this when he remembered that Itachi was only about seventeen.

When he had first been pared up with the Uchiha brat four years ago, Kisame had thought he knew him. He had regarded the kid with the same contempt he secretly viewed himself with. In fact, he had planned to kill him at the first opportunity and maybe even take those eyes Orchimaru had wanted so badly. He wasn't sure when, or where, but things had changed between them over time. The kid had won the seniority of their two man team somehow, and even more surprisingly, Kisame didn't begrudge him for it. Perhaps, that day on the dock he'd begun to realize how much better than him Itachi was. Kisame never breathed a word to anyone, but after that day he had begun to suspect that there was a reason behind the Uchiha Massacre that Itachi didn't want to talk about. A reason very much like the one presented in Deidara and Sasori's story. He could have used that to berate the kid to the group, maybe even rise higher in the ranks if Itachi was discredited. But something within himself wouldn't let him. Maybe it was some late born feeling of honor. Maybe he just respected Itachi. Maybe he was just too scared of the Uchiha. Whatever it was, Kisame kept his opinions to himself.

He knew the moment they had just shared would fall into that same category.

Itachi had been honest with him; in return, Kisame wouldn't gossip about the Uchiha's feelings and possible dreams with the others. He wouldn't tease Itachi about ruining his desires for the future either. In fact, he would pretend that moment had never happened. He found himself wanting to comfort Itachi somehow, but since he could not, fudged innocence of the man's pain was the only thing he could do for his (dare he say it?) friend.

Kisame laid back down, these new thoughts running around like rabbits in his head.

Ten minutes later, he slept.

The next few days passed without incident, though his thoughts about Itachi and Itachi's past cause him to feel a prick of remorse when he delivered Kakuzu's scroll to the proscribed address. He scared the publisher out of his mind when he burst through what had been a locked door at two in the morning and demanded that this story win the prize. The short, thin little civilian man nodded and there was no doubt in the shinobi's mind that the story would indeed win, be published and the Akatsuki would living off the royalties for years to come.

It probably wasn't nice to do this to Itachi or Konan, Kisame realized (though after the way that little witch had insulted him four days ago her interests didn't really bother him). Itachi would be beyond angry if he found out. The shark man figured it was a good thing that he didn't have a conscience as he quietly placed himself back in the position he had been in when Itachi had fallen asleep.

**A/N: Yes, this was a long time coming. My apologizes. I had too much fun with this chapter, I really did. I know everyone is a bit OCC, but this is crack. That's the best excuse I got. Sorry. I really enjoyed walking through the reading process with Kisame. The "you've got to be kidding me" ending has happened to me several times, and while I know that it's for poetic beauty, it still hurts. That said, this is not a protest about one particular story, or really any story. I'm merely discussing fanfiction in the Naruto world as viewed by certain members of the Akatsuki, and maybe one or two others. As for the story within the story, that wasn't meant to be deeply developed or anything. I just wanted to give you some background to what's going on in _my _fanfiction. You should have noticed a few discrepancies. Yes, I know Konan isn't really from sound and wasn't almost married off to the Kazkage so she could assonate him. That was merely Deidara and Sasori exercising their artistic license. As a warning, I will continue to exercise mine in the upcoming chapters to make this flow the way I want it to. I think this story is almost done. I have three chapters left in my head. Don't worry, it will be finished, eventually. :) **

**Thanks so much for reading. Be a dear and drop a review in the hat as you leave. ;)**


	5. Chapter 5

Uchiha Sasuke was described in many different ways by the citizens of Konoha.

The girls in the Academy had used words like "dreamy" and "handsome." The male population of Academy students had said he was "an awesome ninja." The teachers had secretly admired his abilities and knowledge. The shopkeepers and their wives who noticed him walking home in the evenings said he was "eccentric." Kakashi didn't know just what to make of his star pupil at times; only he wanted to be neither the man Sasuke was determined to kill- or the girl who was in love with him. Sakura adored the ground "Sasuke-kun" walked on, and his shoes too. Naruto hated his guts while being his best friend: something Kiba had once called a "Bro-mance." Not even Sasuke was sure what Itachi thought of him, but if he had to guess it would probably be "weak" or "foolish."

Uchiha Sasuke despised himself.

The exact details were complex, stemming as they did from the fact his beloved older brother had suddenly gone insane and murdered every other Uchiha besides Sasuke and himself. Generally, that does bad things to eight year old psyches and five years later Sasuke was finding it unbearable to live with himself. The assignments that forced him to spend so much time with Team Seven had been undeniably good for him, though.

With the sun shining and Naruto and Sakura fighting behind him, Sasuke felt almost tolerable. When he was with his team, the nightmares all but vanished, and he found living not so despicable as it had seemed before the team assignments. In fact, he was almost becoming "relaxed" about this whole Itachi thing. While it was still his primary goal at the moment, Sasuke had began to consider that his brother would be dead soon enough and impatience might cause him to slip up.

Yes, Uchiha Sasuke was considering exercising patience in pursuing his revenge. Considering only, mind, but it was still a radical thought to the thirteen year old.

"Kakashi-sensei! Buy us ramen!" Naruto yelled from behind him. Sakura smacked the back of his head. _"Please,"_ he added without missing a beat.

_"Naruto_, you insensitive idiot!" She reprimanded, "We're in the middle of village-wide mourning! How can you be thinking of food?!"

"I always think of food, Sakura-chan. Besides, the old man wouldn't want me to starve. I don't see how _that'd_ be honoring his memory," the Dobe muttered. Sakura opened her mouth to yell at him, but was thankfully interrupted.

"Alright, Naruto, I'll buy you ramen- just this once- in memory of the Third Hokage," Kakashi told him in a tone that might mean he was smiling sadly under his mask.

So Sasuke resigned himself to an evening of ramen and Team Seven, and oddly found he didn't dread it as much as he had in the past. His future, even beyond this night, didn't seem as bleak as before.

It was turning that final corner that changed this newfound perspective and ruined all the work Kakashi had actually done, because there- in six foot glory- stood a cardboard cutout of a dark haired, shirtless man clutching a busty barely clad woman, his ponytail whipping behind him as crimson red eyes mocked years of pain and torment.

There- in six foot glory- clutching a busty, barely clad woman stood Uchiha Itachi; mocking his brother.

Sasuke froze, unable to believe what his eyes were telling him. He activated the sharingan; the cutout was still there.

As if he were a puppet and some unseen strings were forcing him forward, he approached the image of his greatest enemy. His eyes immediately fell on the pile of books bearing the same image on a table beside the massive representation of Itachi, and he picked one up. Mechanically, he opened the cover and leafed through the pages. Immediately he wished he hadn't activated his sharingan. There are some images you don't want etched in your mind forever. Period. But it was too late, it was now physically impossible for him to look away.

Kakashi came up behind him and, placing his hand on his shoulder, shut the book. Both were silent, but Sasuke was nonetheless thankful to him for doing so.

The next moment, he was shaking with uncontrollable rage. No one would dare do this without his brother's consent. But- how could even he do such a thing? Murder, torture, cruelty Sasuke knew he was capable of; but such ludeness and sick misrepresentation? It just didn't seem in character. "How- how could he do this?" Sasukes asked aloud.

Kakashi didn't answer for a long time, and when he did, all he said was, "We'll find him. We'll end this."

Sasuke was about to nod, but caught the movement of a kunai from the corner of his eye. Now glad his sharingan was activated, he jumped back pulling Kakashi with him. The pointed steel tip sliced neatly into the wooden post holding up the roof of the stand and stuck there, quivering slightly. Sasuke swallowed; it had been aimed at his neck.

He turned to face his enemy, and froze.

For the second time that day, his brother stood before him- except this image was breathing, and wearing the proper amount of clothes.

Sasuke's rage transformed so that the genin was uncertain whether he was burning or freezing inside; it was so intense he couldn't move. "You are worse than scum," he accused.

"Ah, you've been nurturing your hate like I instructed you. How obedient," Itachi mockingly praised. "Let's hope your skills have equally improved."

"You're not worth my time after this. You're blood isn't worthy atonement for the massacre," Sasuke spat, and to everyone's astonishment he turned to leave.

Itachi moved to block him so fast Sasuke barley saw him move, even with his blood limit. The older Uchiha froze instantly, the closest expression to horror Sasuke could remember seeing plastered over his stoic features. It took him a second to realize that his brother's change in location had revealed the cardboard cutout, in all its six foot glory. Sasuke watched as Itachi shakily reached out to pick up a book of his own, like he was choosing which cobra he wanted to handle.

In this pause, Sasuke decided despite the unworthiness of Itachi's blood, it wouldn't hurt to kill him anyways. The farmers could gripe about the pollution later.


	6. Chapter 6

_Icha, Icha Death_, the title read.

Uchiha Itachi systematically scanned each page of the graphic novel with his sharigan in the time it took for his foolish little brother to form the great fireball jutsu. The advantage was he would remember every detail for thorough analyzation later, after what he had decided to make his brief fight with Sasuke; the drawback was those images were now etched into his mind forever- that and they made him sick.

The people responsible would be very, very sorry they ever decided to include Uchiha Itachi in an Icha Icha instalment.

The instant Sasuke's fireball was hurtling towards him, Itachi finished the book and tossed it into the flames, before countering with a fireball of his own- specifically designed to over power his brother's just enough to catch the cardboard representation of Itachi and Konan on fire. Hopefully it would spread to the pile of books if he was lucky, and Itachi usually was; except for when he got caught in the middle of his clan and the village of course. But nobody knew that, and the fact the book had come even vaguely close to the truth behind the slaughter of his clan scared him more than he'd like to admit.

His otouto's little friends had joined in the fray by now, and it was only a matter of time before the ANBU showed up. Itachi scowled. There were things he wanted to address with a certain publishing company before he had to withdraw from the village entirely. It was time to break up the family reunion.

"Sorry to inconvenience you, my foolish little brother, but I do not have time to fight with you any longer today," he said cryptically.

"Make time!" Sasuke yelled, zinging a shrunken at his head.

Itachi simultaneously dodged Sasuke's weapon and his sensei's underground attack, only to find himself in the midst of twenty blonde shadow clones. Well this was getting to be bothersome.

Thankfully, Kisame showed back up.

Itachi sent him a silent message: _we need to move on before we get bogged down here_.

His partner nodded in affirmation, and grabbed the pink-haired little girl from her position on the edge of the fight. Itachi grabbed Sasuke's collar. Immediately, the fighting stopped.

"Teme!" twelve blonde shadow clones cried, looking completely stricken. He felt Sasuke's glower turn on them as his brother struggled in his arms. "Sakura-chan!" He began the hand seals to switch positions. Itachi wondered who the boy was going to switch with.

"Naruto," Kakashi warned; the hand seals ceased, and the boy shot an apologetic look at Sasuke.

"He calls you 'Teme'?" Itachi asked under his breath so only Sasuke could hear. He risked a glance down at him, and was shocked by the annoyed affection he found there. Itachi fought back the joy it brought him to know that his otouto had a real friend: the kind who loves you enough to insult you and die for you at the same time. He really needed to lecture Sasuke about goals after this revelation, but he just couldn't bring himself to do so yet.

His little brother took advantage of his reverie to elbow him very hard, very low. Itachi doubled over instantly. He really should have seen that coming; at the same time, he had never expected his little brother to fight so dirty. It made him proud. Perhaps he didn't need to lecture about all-consuming hate today after all. He did of course, manage to keep his grip on Sasuke's shirt for the moment. That apparently didn't matter at this point, because he had already whipped out a kunai and started swiping at Itachi's throat.

"S-sasuke!" The female teammate cried out in pain desperately, still in Kisame's clutches.

Eerily, the shark man smiled, all his pointed teeth coming into view. "Move even a millimeter more and I accidentally sever her jugular. Samehada will be more than happy to feed on her chakra."

Before he even finished speaking, Sasuke had completely frozen, kunai forgotten. Itachi caught the fleeting look of worry that consumed his brother's eyes before he could cover it over. Interesting. Perhaps he should conduct some other business with the council while he was here, just to make up for the words he was about to whisper in his brother's ear. He subtly gave Kisame the signal for departure. Then he murmured, "You gave up your revenge for the life of an insignificant girl, foolish little brother? Perhaps I should kill her to better focus your hate."

He felt his brother stiffen, even as he dispersed into a hundred ravens.

* * *

><p>Itachi felt Kisame's confused gaze on him even before he fully solidified on the Hokage monument. Inwardly, he sighed. "Ask."<p>

"Why did we not even attempt to capture the nine-tails?"

"Because, the nine tails will follow us home on his own, and I have more pressing business to attend to first," Itachi said with a deadly calm, his mind having cleared from his encounter with Sasuke. "Someone has made a very grave mistake by using my name without permission. I intend to rectify the situation."

"What do you mean?" Kisame asked as they leapt down onto a dusty street. _Two blocks away from Okasan's favorite vegetable stand_, Itachi remembered painfully before closing the past out entirely.

He ignored the screaming civilians as he picked up an orange colored book from another vendor's table and hurled it behind him in the direction of Kisame's head. "_That_ is what I mean," he stated with a quietness that promised much pain, death, and Amatersu for whoever was responsible.

He watched from the corner of his eye as his partner plucked the book out of the air and swallowed thickly as he examined the cover. Itachi frowned. Why did he look so concerned? It was out of character, and Itachi could only name one reason for Kisame's discomfort: he was somehow involved with this travesty. Itachi glanced the shark man over again. No, it couldn't be, he decided, for the simple fact that he of all people should have known what the punishment for this was going to be. Not to mention Itachi liked to believe the mist-nin regarded him with _some_ mutual respect/mortal terror.

Slashing the new cardboard representation of him attempting to swallow Konan's face made him feel better. Immediately setting it and the books around it on fire was even more enjoyable.

He stopped the fleeing vendor with a look, sharingan spinning wildly. "Who published this?" he demanded. The poor man pointed behind him before he swooned like a schoolgirl.

Itachi walked past his crumpled form in the direction indicated.

"Where are you going?" Kisame asked, nervously.

Itachi paused. Kisame must not have been involved directly, but he must have known who did this. That could only mean... They wouldn't. They _wouldn't_. _They_ would never. _They_. Would. _Not_.

Except, they did.

Instantly, all appearances of calm vanished.

Down the road, a roof spontaneously combusted into black flames.

Itachi found himself in the editor's office, tipping the grubby man back in his chair. "Who submitted the manuscript?" he asked between his teeth. His wide gray eyes sought something over Itachi's shoulder. So, the Uchiha jerked his collar roughly to focus his attention. "Who?"

"I don't know!" the man exclaimed. Itachi activated the Mangekyo. "I don't _know_!" he implored. "It was on my desk this morning. Along with a note saying if it didn't win the contest, I would be very sorry."

"Who signed it?"

"A-akasuki." The man squirmed. "The money from the contest and book sales are there," he gestured wildly to the stack on his desk. "Take it!" The stack of paper and money also spontaneously combusted. Desperately, the man tried to scramble backwards in his chair to escape them. Unfortunately, when a Uchiha has a death grip on your collar, there's not very far you can go.

Eventually, Itachi let the man go- and put out the flames. After all, every one of the manuscripts had already burned and the man sufficiently tortured.

With a trembling partner and a deep, slightly calming breath, he collected his cool and left Konoha without a backwards glance. He had bigger fish to fry; namely, the one trailing behind him looking for a chance to run back to Mist or even Wave. Itachi smirked. He wasn't going anywhere but the frying pan anytime soon.

Yes, Itachi had learned a thing or two living and working with a bunch of criminals: when you intend to roast them alive, make sure you do it all at once so you don't waste a good bonfire.

**A/N: There will be one or two short closing chapters after this, and maybe a tiny little epilogue. I'm debating spring boarding a very similar story off of this. I'm sorry, I just had to explore the brother aspect and I couldn't help shipping SasuSaku even here. I just couldn't okay?! For those of you who get the "talk with the council" reference, you are officially smart and awesome and I will give you a cookie next update, which I plan on being soon. ;)**


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N: For those who reviewed the last chapter. Because y'all made publishing my story a joy. Enjoy the last long chapter...unless I change my mind. **

Pein was having a very, very bad day.

First, he had been informed that Akatsuki was officially broke; even Kakuzu's secret stash that had remained untouched for over three centuries (okay, that might be a slight exaggeration, but no one knew for sure since everyone who had previously seen it was currently dead) had been drained. Needless to say, he'd gotten an earful on proper budgeting and leadership procedure.

Next, Madara had learned Itachi let the nine tails go without even a "proper fight." It didn't bear repeating the lecture he'd gotten on controlling minions. (To which he had wanted to respond, "What about controlling _family_?")

Then Konan got into a snit because apparently he'd forgotten some important "this is the first day the three of us stole fish together" anniversary among the previous travesties. She left crying; apparently he didn't miss his best friend like she did.

On top of all this, Pein had a mountain of paperwork to do (yes, mountain, it was already starting to petrify).

He also had one zinger of a headache.

...and an overwhelming urge to get Deidara to blow everything up, him included.

But Pein was nothing if not a survivalist, so he had begun dutifully signing signatures on checks they weren't good for.

It was in the middle of this very awful, no good, deplorable day that Itachi decided to kill everyone. So, after breaking it up (the Uchiha was currently a paper mummy, thanks to Konan's assistance) and salvaging the paperwork that wasn't burnt, blood covered, or soaked/partially disintegrated, all male members of Akatsuki (minus Itachi, who was still indisposed) stood before the desk of a livid Leader-sama.

Pein pinched the bridge of his nose so hard he knew it was going to snap any second. Unfortunately, the headache refused to abate. "I want a reasonable, logical explanation for why you all were attempting to kill each other. And I want it NOW." Sometimes he felt like a parent to these morons who were mostly older than he was. This kind of behavior was normal, except for Itachi. Pein counted on him to be mildly intelligent at all times, and the Uchiha usually surpassed that expectation- except for now.

"He was trying to kill us, un!" Deidara offered.

"I need a new sacrifice, it's been too long-" Hidan started.

"So you just started trying to kill us too?" Sasori asked with imperial indignance.

"Hidan's an idiot, we knew that before; the problem is-"

"TOBI IS A GOOOOD BOY!"

"_SILENCE_!" Pein ordered. Immediately, everyone was quiet. "Kisame, you first. What happened?" he sighed.

"Why me? I had nothing to do with this," Kisame muttered.

"Because," Pein drawled out annoyed, "as Itachi's partner you should know what set him off."

"Oh." Kisame said, stalling.

Pein narrowed his eyes; the man was acting guilty. Surely, he would know not to upset the Uchiha by now, Pein thought. "Begin," he commanded, exasperated. Out of the corner of his eye, he noticed Zetsu take Hidan and Tobi aside. It looked like they were playing cards or folding origami; Pein decided not to ask questions at this point. Probably, he should be upset that they weren't cowering with fear, or even paying attention, but relief from the two most juvenile was indeed most welcome and overwhelmed any sense of frustration towards the three Pein felt. The others, however...

"We were running low on funds..." Kisame started.

"Yes, that's obvious. Get to the point."

"We were running out of money so Kakuzu decided to enter a writing contest," Kisame rushed out.

"And?" Pein prodded.

"And he had to write about a romance about real people."

Pein's eyebrow twitched. Impossible. No one would ever be so stupid... He looked to Kakuzu for an explanation, and hopefully a denial of what was going through his head just then.

"I didn't write it, Deidara and Sasori did."

Pein turned his "I'm-extremely-displeased-with-your-stupidity-and-am-currently-debating-the-pros-and-cons-of-killing-you-this-instant" glare on the artists. "Expound," he commanded them, making sure to enunciate clearly for effect.

"Kakuzu was the one who decided that we had to use Itachi and Konan. He forced us to write it, un!" Deidara protested.

Normally, Pein would have lost it at this point, and dealt punishments, but currently he was too busy choking on his tongue. "Itachi and K-konan?"

Everyone nodded.

"In l-love?"

Everyone nodded except Kisame who muttered, "Actually, they were enjoying a state of marital bliss until some idiot killed Itachi-san off and left Konan raising their child alone."

That was just too much for Pein to handle, and he began choking in earnest. A Heimlich maneuver later, and Pein's breathless gasps were replaced with some impressive coughing, which lead to manic laughter. That's right. For the first time in a long time, Pein laughed, and laughed, and cackled like he never had before. In that moment of insane belly laughter, all of the stresses and weights on his shoulders seemed to melt away-his paperwork entirely forgotten.

Once he regained enough breath and composure, he said, "Let me get this straight. Kakuzu decided that the solution to our financial woes was to enter a romance writing contest with a story based on Itachi and Konan falling in_ love_?" He relapsed into cackles for another minute. "And _you two," _he pointed to Deidara and Sasori, "wrote this story-in which they got _married_ and had a _kid_?!" After taking a moment to guffaw a bit, he continued. "And Kisame, you _read_ this story?"

There was silence until Kisame shrugged, "Itachi dies before the kid is born, but otherwise...Well, yeah."

"What kind of idiots _are_ you?!"

"We prefer to think the genius kind, un," Deidara ventured.

Pein stopped basking in the brilliant _stupidity_ of it all to fix him with a glare. "It was a purely rhetorical question."

The artist had the sense to look abashed. "Oh."

"Yeah." Pein paused for a second, not really sure how to go on. "So out of curiosity, how did Itachi find out about this? You all didn't show it to him did you?!"

Sasori drew himself up to his full height, which was, of course, still woefully short. "Of course not. We may be stupid, but we aren't _dumb_."

Deidara looked down at him perplexed. "There's a difference?"

"Of _course_ there's a difference. Haven't you been taught anything during your time here?"

"What's the difference then, un?"

"Writing a love story about Itachi and Konan and entering it into a contest was stupid, showing it to Itachi or Konan would have been dumb."

"Because they would have killed us, un?"

"Exactly," Sasori beamed with the pride of a teacher who's least bright student has just mastered the concept he was trying to teach.

Waving a hand, Pein asked, "So how did he find out?"

The others looked to Kisame, who tried to shrink into the shadows. Being a six foot tall shark-man, however, he failed. Giving up on avoiding the question, he finally sighed and explained, "The contest was being held in Konoha. So I got to be the lucky carrier pigeon. _Yes_," he looked pointedly at Kakuzu, "I convinced them our story was the best. They gave me the prize money, and Itachi didn't suspect anything." Kisame fished in his pocket and dropped a wad of bills on Pein's desk.

"But?" he prompted.

Kisame sighed again and continued. "But, someone _forgot_ to mention that part of winning was the book deal awarded afterwards-"

"Of course there was a book deal, you fool!" Kakuzu snarled. "Do you think I would have done something like this for a mere 3,000 yen?! I was counting on the royalties the book would bring in!"

Pein blinked. 3,000 yen? Kakuzu had insisted on entering the contest-risking death by the Uchiha-when they were only guaranteed 3,000 yen? His former anger and stress started to boil back up. But just as he was about to open his mouth and tell the idiot what he thought of him, Kisame snapped back.

"Well you could have told me they would start printing the next morning after _changing_ the story into some-"

"THEY CHANGED THE STORY!" The authors bellowed simultaneously.

"Yes!" Kisame yelled back, equally indignant. "Into this-this _travesty_!" He threw a book into the debris of what had been Pein's paperwork.

There was a collective, horrified gasp as they perceived the cover. Kakuzu, Deidara, and Sasori were mourning what had been done to their "masterpiece." Pein was shocked to see "Konan," his childhood friend, portrayed as some barely-dressed floosy in Itachi's arms. It was an image he really wanted to un-see.

"Finally," Hidan said from the corner he had been lounging in beside Zetsu and Tobi. "It's about-" "Tobi is a GOOD boy!" " -time this got interesting."

"I didn't approve thi-" Kakuzu started

"We didn't write a comedy!" Sasori growled.

"WHAT HAVE THEY DONE TO OUR ART!" Deidara wailed.

White Zetsu shook his head. "No wonder Itachi went berserk. Have they no respect for him or Konan?"

Scoffing, Black Zetsu agreed. "We should eat them for their insolence!"

"Silence!" Pein yelled. When the room quieted again and the three in the corner had gone back to what they had been doing, he continued. "You're telling me that you didn't write this lewd novel to make money?" The four before his desk started to answer at once. Quickly, Pein held up a hand. "Kakuzu first."

"Of course not," Kakuzu spat. "I wanted to win the contest. I wouldn't try to do that with this trash."

"Tobi is a good boy! Tobi thinks you should not call other people's work trash!"

"I will when it's what they've done to my copyright!"

The great Leader-sama was tempted to let them fight this one out. Unfortunately, one could not be a great "Leader-sama" with no one to lead. So, not bothering with yelling this time, he used his awesome Leader-sama powers to knock them off their feet, just because he got some sadistic enjoyment out of it. "Kisame?"

"This is not the manuscript I turned into the publisher," the shark man confirmed from his position stuck in the wall.

"Out of curiosity, which publisher sponsored the contest?"

Kakuzu attempted a shrug. Deidara yanked his arm out of the drywall, scratched his head, and muttered something about defiled art. Sasori looked bored. Awkwardly, the only sound in the room was Hidan cussing out Toby in the corner for doing something Pein was pretty sure he didn't want to know about. Kisame cleared his throat, and stared at Samehada as he said, "I think it might have been the one that publishes those orange books Itachi's brother's sensei is so fond of. Doesn't the company belong to that Sanin? The one with the frogs?"

Blinking, Pein let the pieces click into place. So the Sanin's publishing company was looking for an original story to publish, decided to use a contest to find said story, Kakuzu had seen the notice for the contest and made Sasori and Deidara enter it, somewhere along the line Kisame had been roped into proofing and delivering the manuscript-with strict orders to make sure it won the contest, Itachi had found the _Icha, Icha_ version of the story...and they had the gall to act surprised about his wrath? Blankly, Pein stared at the S-rank criminals before him. They seemed so...childlike, so sincere. It was odd. Like-like they hadn't known. Suddenly, the last piece fit into place and Pein saw the whole picture. They didn't know. Four of his feared Akatsuki members had no clue what the _Icha, Icha _series was. Itachi's little brother was smarter than this.

Pein smiled. Certainly they had deserved what Itachi had attempted to do to them, for being so stupid. Perhaps he should have Konan release the man. Perhaps he should just show her the book and tell her it's origins himself. In fact, he was going to do just that.

...but first he had a group of idiot criminals to educate.


End file.
